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5 Lessons My Relationships Taught Me

Hey Bold Queens,

Today I am going “BARE “, sharing the 5 lessons I learnt from my past & current relationships.

Relationshipthe way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I sat with myself trying to come up with how I could put this message across. Sharing your private life via social media is an extremely vulnerable step for anyone and I wanted to get my message across in the most honest light possible.

So where do I start? I guess the beginning …….

Daily, I receive messages from women, thanking me for the posts I make via social media and how much of an impact the Big Beautiful Black Girls movement has made on their lives. I look at these messages, I reply, and it always brings happiness to my heart. However, this happiness only lasted for a short time. I did not want temporary happiness, I needed to find my joy, I needed to find my peace. I was not encouraged, so how could I continue to motivate people if I could not even motivate myself?  Like they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup, so I took a step back from the blogging scene.

During this time, I took necessary steps to build myself up mentally & spiritually. Unknown to me, my relationship had triggered my suppress childhood trauma with abandonment. When we get into relationships, we tend to carry baggage from our past, whether you see it, or you do not. So much that when our partner, close friends or family highlight it, we turn away, we get defensive and stubborn headed. I did just that, by asking, how can you say such mean things to me and still say you love me? In my eyes it was a contradiction this was not love, however from his eyes, it was his way of showing love and at that time I did not understand.

All of us here on this planet are made up differently, we analyze and take in every encounter or situation in a distinctive way. So much so that sometimes we do not even realize why we do it or where it was triggered from. And often , in relationships whether its platonic or romantic, a lot us do not know how to accept or receive love. Growing up ,we are taught to be nice, to give, to overextend, to share. We find ourselves over-giving, especially depending on how our parents raise us. The positive or negative reinforcements, which I grew up with, place me where I tend to love from a place to being validated. So, for instant if your parent was a little authoritative, they say things like “if you do A you will get B and if you don’t you will get nothing”. So, this black and white energy normally creates a dynamic of behavioral symptoms if I do not give, I am not going to receive. So, I found myself needing to give first, or if you come from a home that is a one parent household which I came from. You see your mother or father doing most of the work, you constantly see yourself wanting to be validated by the missing parent. So, by having wounding surrounding the missing mother or father it spills over to your life.

In my last situation ,I held on so tight to my partner, I called him multiple times, crying, full of anger and hate for things he did to me …I was hurt ,ashamed ,embarrassed and I was confused but I was still settling because he was at that time fitting the mold for me.

Whenever we do not accept ourselves, we receive people who do not want us, we are mirroring a lot of what we are feeling inside. Then we ask ourselves how we end up in situations where one person would take and the other would just give. Sometimes you just have to say no, that is not love when the other person is not reciprocating the same thing.  I had to constantly tell myself, the pattern of putting yourself last or second must come to an end. What do you bring to the table? I am the table.

After learning that lesson in my relationship about self love and self care,I started a creation of alchemy.Learning to love myself from people who were not loving me, tapping into my inner child and finding out what was triggering me. I didn’t talk about it much instead I hid from the world, from my friends and from my parents. I knew the responses I would have gotten and plus I was full of shame and regret.

 It is evident, in many black households, speaking about mental health and relationships is place under the rug. We get spotty responses and hear things like “it’s okay just cry it out, he/ she didn’t deserve you, you will find a next partner, or you will get over it you are strong.” Although all of this is true and valid. Dismissing a person’s feeling, is not the correct way to deal with what they are going through or what they seem like a tough time within their life.

In this new era that we are in infidelity & having multiple partners has become a trend. Many of us either grew up seeing this happening in our homes or via social media so much that it is has become embedded as acceptable or the new norm.

But if I did not go through this process it would have never brought here, which brings me to the present. I believe in divine connections,soul mates/soul family and through my time of healing I met a beautiful soul who helped me with my depression. She showed me that “some encounters are brief, but it can expand your perspective, and subsequently change the course of your life.”

Even though our relationship did not end on the best of terms. I realize now that he was a catalyst for my healing, understanding my inner self and pushing me into my soul purpose on earth. We all get into relationships with hopes of it ending in gf/bf, wife, husband, children and the whole nine yards. What if we look at encounters or relationships from a different perspective?

Below I’ve left with you 5 things I learnt from my current and past relationships,

1. Maybe, if you can’t get someone out of your head they were never meant to leave. Perhaps, they were meant to help change you into the person you have been waiting to become.”

2.The people you meet in your life, you meet them for a specific purpose: To help them and to be helped by them. So, try to spot the treasure in your everyday life, because one day you may realize you had the treasure and you lost it.”

3.The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

4.We as humans are so boastful and proud not wanting to let go of past things or past hurts because we are so afraid of being vulnerable. We must learn, you have to strip away your ego and pride.

5.You have to forgive those who hurt you in the past, if you want to love ,you have to abandon hate because it will poison any other relationships that you have later down in life.

Matthew 11:28-29

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

🌸Y.O.L. O

🌸Stay Bold, Stay Beautiful

🌸Love & Light to you

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Written by Ashlee Hinds

Founder & Editor at BigBeautifulBlackGirls
Fabulously Fashionable, I love fashion!

Self Care Beauty Routine With Spa Sciences

Real beauty is in the smile